'Those butterflies are a trap': Misconceptions people had about relationships that they eventually realized were total BS

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Elna McHilderson • Managing Editor
Jun 8, 2023 4:00 PM EDT

Whether you're in the midst of dating or currently in a relationship, everybody needs a moment to sit down and reflect on past loves. Why did you fall in love? Why did it end in heartbreak? What steps did each party take that made the relationship what it was? Remember, dating takes two (at least). So you have to not only think about your ex-partner, but you also have to look within. Why did you feel butterflies when you were first falling for this ex? Were they actually butterflies, or was it your body warning you that this person actually makes you nervous in a bad way. Sometimes it's hard to determine the difference between happy butterflies and red flag butterflies. And what about all those archaic sayings that just don't make sense any more? "Don't ever go to bed angry!" What? What if we're angry at each other because we're sleepy and cranky? Wouldn't it behoove us to sleep on it and then we won't be as curt with each other because now we are well rested and can think clearer? Luckily, a Reddit thread as stared on the subreddit r/AskWomen where people are sharing their relationship misconceptions that they didn't realize were total BS until way after the relationship. Check them out below and maybe get some insight in your own dating philosophies as well. 

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  • 01
    Vertebrate - Posted by u/MetaphysicPhilosophy 2 days ago What's a misconception you had about relationships that you now realize was bs?
    via u/MetaphysicPhilosophy

    Photo via u/Pexels-LuisFernandes

  • 02
    Font - pineapple1347 - 2 days ago That if you don't want to be around the person 24/7 you're not in love. My parents and my siblings and their spouses spend basically all their time together and I thought that was what love was. And I thought, I'm never going to fall in love. I'm a loner, big time. I love being alone. It is preferable to anybody's company the majority of the time.
    via u/pineapple1347
  • 03
    Font - time I've been with my partner for over four years, we spend a ton of apart, and it works for us. My family doesn't understand our relationship at all but they're not judgy about it or anything. They're just like, "You guys are weird but you do you I guess."
    via u/pineapple1347
  • 04
    Font - amnewherebenice 2 days ago Thanks for saying this!! There's nothing wrong with me valuing my "me time." I feel like women get shot down for thinking their partner might be a bit clingy..
    via u/amnewherebenice
  • 05
    Font - babylon331 1 day ago Clingy can run me off very quickly. It just screams jealousy & insecurity. A healthy balance is needed. We might be 'together', but we're still our own person.
    via u/babylon331
  • 06
    Font - Wahzuhbee 2 days ago I've only ever dated one girl that understood that my desire to be alone did not mean I didn't want to be around her. In every other relationship, trying to communicate my need to be alone, tend to my personal needs, and give myself time to decompress after work was always taken as a personal slight to them.
    via u/Wahzuhbee
  • 07
    Font - undercoverhellcat 2 days ago Moving into our spare bedroom to have my own room/office. We still sleep in the same room, but my clothes and belongings are separate. God, it's the best thing I've ever done for our relationship.
    via u/undercoverhellcat
  • 08
    Font - xdaftpunkxloverx. 1 day ago Sometimes people genuinely love spending their 24/7 with their partners, and sometimes they're trapped in a codependent relationship without recognizing it as such.
    via u/xdaftpunkxloverx
  • 09
    Font - Veronica Mars_19 2 days ago That you have to be deeply and madly inlove for the duration of your relationship. That it needs to be butterflies when you meet and the spark needs to be reignited when it starts to settle.
    via u/VeronicaMars_19
  • 10
    Font - I now hope to find someone I respect just as a person whether or not we are together, to have a good friendship with to a degree that at my loneliest or saddest I will have comfort that my best friend is with me and that he understands some points in a relationship feel more romantic than others and that's life. He wont thrill-seek during our quiet moments and I wont be preoccupied with detecting that and spicing anything up. It's a choice to stay together and love manifests differently n
    via u/VeronicaMars_19
  • 11
    Font - eyesfuIIofstars. 2 days ago That is "hard". Relationships aren't inherently difficult, just be open and honest about what you want and need and work together to make it happen for both of you. Yes life is hard, but your relationship should be a safe and fulfilling space. Anything else and you gotta go.
    via u/eyesfuIIofstars
  • 12
    Font - zplq7957 2 days ago Ditto. I was married many moons ago and it was hard since day 1. Since I had always heard that relationships are hard, I accepted it (especially after having most family modeling unhappy relationships).
    via u/zplq7957
  • 13
    Font - Fast forward to my current situation. I'm older, re-married, and our marriage/relationship has always been calm. We had a few blips in the first month as I was incredibly guarded and continued my "I guess I should cause a fight because that's what you do" mentality. After working on myself, we're happy and haven't ever really fought. We may get frustrated from time to time, but like adults, we talk it through and enjoy our life.
    via u/zplq7957
  • 14
    Font - The trap for most people is that even in really toxic relationships, there are always strands of hope that people hold on to. This is a mirage; it doesn't get better.
    via u/zplq7957
  • 15
    Font - eyesfuIIofstars. 2 days ago Yes! I had a partner that would start fights constantly, and when I met my current fiancé I would get scared we wouldn't fight but we talked about everything, calmly. We discussed everything so completely and lovingly I never even realized we had disagreements because it was never loud or violent! Glad you're in a better space now
    via u/eyesfuIIofstars
  • 16
    Font - girlwithsilvereyes - 2 days ago I've been married 24 years this year. My marriage is the easiest part of my life. My husband is my friend, my partner, my teammate. We support each other and root for each other.
    via u/girlswithsilvereyes
  • 17
    Font - Do we have highs and lows? Sure. Are there times when I feel butterflies and passion like the early days and then other times when we feel a bit more like roommates with benefits? Yes. But I never doubt for a second that he's on my side. And it's not ever what I would characterize as hard, it just takes care and feeding, like anything worthwhile. I feel like sometimes people forget that their relationship needs the same attention you put into other things in your life, like your friendshi
    via u/girlswithsilvereyes
  • 18
    Font - lughsezboo 2 days ago That the "butterflies" i got from certain dudes was my warning alarm and not intense attraction.
    via u/lughsezboo
  • 19
    Smile - GrandSaltQueen 2 days ago Feel this deep in my soul. Those butterflies are a trap.
    via u/GrandSaltQueen
  • 20
    Font - Margot_star 2 days ago YES 1000 times YES! I spent years yearning over the "boys" that gave me butterflies and cried so many tears convincing myself the butterflies meant something special... My now partner of 8 years... Completely different type of feeling, it was so smooth and calm and safe? I didn't realise how much I needed that until I found him.
    via u/Margot_star
  • 21
    Font - To this day it is still so calm and safe. Yeah we have our disagreements but at the end of the day that's all they are, I know how he feels about me and he knows how I feel about him. There's no does he or doesn't he love me at all.
    via u/Margot_star
  • 22
    Font - Redheadedbos - 2 days ago That you should never go to bed angry. Nonsense. Go to bed angry. If you're still angry when you wake up, THEN talk about it when you're fresh and rested and can be rational. 99 times out of 100, you won't still be angry in the morning, though.
    via u/Redheadedbos
  • 23
    Font - Zestyclose-Warning96 2 days ago That when you find your life partner it's supposed to be this Disney moment, when in reality it all just feels very natural.
    via u/Zestyclose-Warning96

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relationship advice marriage relationship-insight couples-advice r-askwomen relationship-philosophies love stories dating-insight relationships dating-philosophies marriage advice longterm-relationships Reddit reddit-ask-women love advice dating dating advice
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